"I've looked into the reset button...the physics are impossible"

~~ Megamind inpersonating Bernard, the Metroman Museum Curator

That quote is a shout out to Buffy who's having an actual, honest to goodness, WORK day.  Boooo!
Cheer up Buffy..tomorrow's Friday!

I decided to make a solo mission to People.com to see what I could see...and I have seen enough to know that I have seen too much.

Let's start with my latest hate-on: Katy Perry.  ENOUGH WITH THE BLUE ALREADY!!!

She was quoted as saying she was attempting to tone down her usual out there looks out of respect for Paris Fashion Week.  Uh huh.  This photo was taken...IN PARIS!!! So what's her excuse for this??

 Mischa Barton:  Just when you think the crazy is finally over....
 

 Watch out Kate Mara...you almost cracked a smile in this photo and lost the scowl.  I almost didn't recognize you!


Ahhh....that's better

Creepy Clipart: Puppy...er...Love?

Top 3 "Puppy" Clipart Creeps

Who doesn't need to clipart a puppy into an email every now and then? And oh dear...think of the children! Be on the lookout for these creepers that could pop up:

3. Ol' Skidmark

I don't know what this dog has been eating, but frankly he looks just as terrified of what's trailing behind him as I am! I recently saw a Mythbusters episode that involved "blue ice" - does this have something to do with that?

2. Oh it's so...cuddly?

In what universe is this a puppy? Did it eat the puppy? Did clipart's 3 year old draw this and insist this was a puppy, so clipart said, "Oh nooow I see it. It's a puppy!"?




















1. Puppy Love

Is this what Donnie Osmond was singing about? I feel compelled to avert my eyes. I get it, they're "playing" but..well... I feel a little dirty.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

~~ Steven Wright (comedian)

Well less than 3 hours into today and it is already off to an interesting start! Let's have a recap:

• HOminus maximus sighting - the first in months! And by maximus I mean the height on her hair. Certainly not the size of her clothing. All of our theories of her being hidden away and cleaning up her act - being in HOminus rehab, if you will - definitely missed the mark!
  


• Help! "I dropped my keys down the elevator shaft and I'm not sure who to call". Now THAT is a shitty start to your day. Not even 9:00 am? GO BACK HOME. No good can come of a start like that.

• Officemate Appropriate? Officemate is wearing relatively appropriate attire today and a pretty cool necklace. I feel compelled to shower her with compliments for positive reinforcement...kind of like training a puppy!
  
  
  


• Coworker from Space - yes, I have come to the conclusion that my coworker is not of this planet. He can't possibly be. Today's evidence: coworker is on vacation. Texts me that he needs a file off a USB key in his desktop - the USB that our students just borrowed to work in the library. I track said students down, run back to grab the file. What was so urgent? A F&^#*@! MARCH MADNESS BRACKET. Are you kidding me? Guess what I am NOT sending anytime soon. I swear he thinks I'm his personal assistant.
  
  
  

"Is this chicken or fish I'm eating?...I know its tuna but why do they call it chicken in the sea?"

Jessica Simpson to Nick Lachey in Newlyweds

Yes ladies and gentlemen...from the mind that brought you "Is tuna fish or chicken?" comes the latest Hollyweird baby name for her impending BIG bundle of joy....wait for it.....Maxwell.
That's right...The Simpleton has decided to name her daughter Maxwell.  Because it's a name with meaning -- her fiancee's middlename is Maxwell and his mother's maiden name is Maxwell.
I really hope this insider who blabbed to InTouch Weekly was joking and just threw this out there to confuse everyone.  Or I hope that if it is true that they see all the rebuttals to this horrible name choice and rethink their decision.

GREAT SCOTT SHE'S MASSIVE!!!  Is that a moon taking up synchronous orbit around her belly?

Did I mention the informant also said they plan on calling her...ahem....Maxi for short?
Nope...no problems there.  Can't see anything wrong with that.  In fact here are some other famous Maxi's she'll be joining the ranks of....

The Maxi Dress


Maxi Priest


This French magazine


What??  Yeah you thought I was going for the obvious comparison didn't you.  It's just too damn easy!!

"Neytiri calls me skxawng. It means 'moron' "

~~ Sam Worthington as Jake Sully in Avatar.

I may be on vacay, but I'm still valiantly trolling my sites for more fodder. 
It occurs to me gentle reader that, March Break for the rich and famous translates into March Break From My Sanity/Dignity/Fashion Sense for some.

Take a look at Katy Perry in this latest gem.  I need her to brush up on her Na'vi so she can get my quote.  Here's looking at you -- skxawng!

Prada bag, dress and shoes -- okay we get it -- you like Prada.  Though she was wearing all this at the Miu Miu show so... FU Miu Miu (ahhh...rhyming!)

And I'd like to spend a few minutes commenting on her hair -- especially since she is constantly wearing something blue, to insist to the world that it was not just a stunt to divert everyone from discussing her failed marriage.

Remember when it kept getting lighter and lighter towards the end of her marriage -- like she had ditched the black and was trying to get back to her natural blonde?  Then inexplicably she jumped to pink but it looked gawd awful!  I get the feeling the hair colour change was not entirely her idea (Russell), and when her marriage ended she went to a bitter place and decided to send a big FU out to someone (Russell), but she didn't think it through and now she's kind of trapped in maintaining the whole thing like she still thinks it was a brilliant idea (fake ass blue ponytail with almost black roots).

Okay so, can someone tell me what happened to Megan Fox -- her face and her fashion sensibilities.

I don't entirely love the nude dress and pumps but I think finding a shoe for this neutral would have been difficult so I'll let it slide. The dress is pretty and sparkly and I love the silhouette -- just not for her.  She's young, she's hot, she should work that before it all fades.  I guess she's trying to restart her career as a serious actor as opposed to eye candy, but I don't think I'd believe it if I saw her rubbing elbows with Natalie Portman, Meryl Streep and Dame Judi Dench. 
I like to keep the shameless, skin peddling sex pots together the same way I like to sort my crayons by colour in the box.


Egads Julianne Moore!!  It's like she's challenging me to hate this look with her facial expression.  And I never back down from a challenge! This look is ghastly! What is it with her and these schizophrenic dresses? I want velvet! I want sheen!  I want wrinkly, ill fitting, boobage!  I want green! She should listen to just one of her voices and pick ONE dress -- not a dress mash up!

Lise, when you get a little older, you'll learn that Friday is just another day between NBC's "Must See Thursday" and CBS' "Saturday night craporama".

~~ Bart Simpson

It's been a while since I've had to last more than one day in a row without my companion. Here's hoping Mrs. Hemsworth gets well soon!




First, a couple of workplace updates. It seems they are trying to correct the "other" stinky stariwell. Some sort of weird contraptions are up. May require investigation. I have remained mostly in my office, but I am still surprised not to have seen Degrassi at all this week. Her male companion seems to be a new regular on the 7:30am commute. Professor Wigglebottom has made several appearances - including on the 5th floor where he was promptly snubbed. Hah! Take that!



Ok on to the good stuff. After trolling the day's pics I came across this and had to do a double take. Is this Whitney Port looking presentable? A little glam even??
































But of course it couldn't be that simple. Shortly thereafter I came across a head-on shot....










































Yeah, that's more like it.



So is Rose Byrne playing Anna Wintour for her next role? Cuz....

Oh and the role of Anna's grandmother is being played by Rose's Bridesmaids co-star Kristen Wiig...

Question: Did I miss the arrival of some granny sweater trend? Because i'm not sure this over-the-shoulder look on both ladies is a coincidence. At gofugyourself they are attributing it to Gwyneth's Oscar cape. Could be...

And for no good reason other than it's kinda cool and creepy at the same time, watch this:

*New Feature: Creepy Clipart

Ever find yourself scouring clipart for that perfect image for a presentation, poster, etc...only to come up with some weird-ass picture??? I am introducing the Admin Diaries' new feature, "Creepy Clipart"!

This search was "hallway"....which apparently connotes a creepy guy leering out of a doorway. Just what I was looking for!

Function vs. Fashion: Celebrity Style

This post's subject:  Jennifer Aniston.
Why oh why must she wear strappy shoes -- ALL THE TIME!  Never mind the fact that in any heel/pump your foot will slide forward and the less structure the more effort it takes to stay in them.  Ladies of the jury...Exhibit A:

Reeeeeeal comfortable.  Her toes are falling out; her heel out of position (HEY!? Is that a tat on her inner right foot?) You can see the stress in the toes as they desperately cling to the shoe and check out her veins popping from the strain!  And this is Jennifer's signature shoe selection.  I give you the people's exhibit B thru C:

 

  Gah! The dreaded Bunion!

Now I'm not recommending an Alexa Chung look ...

-- but there are happy mediums Jennifer - FIND THEM!

"Man the desk at all times. Got it."

~~ Anne Hathaway as Andy Sachs in The Devil Wears Prada

Let’s talk about what they don’t warn you about being an admin: No matter how great your department is, no matter how capable the people you work with are, you will periodically be set up to look like an absolute ass. The individual competency of the people you support will affect the frequency and severity of this, but it is GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU.

There are the minor incidents that I call “YOU be the messenger”. You know, the last-minute IMPOSSIBLE requests for you to make something happen that lead to phone calls beginning with “I’m reeeeally sorry to ask you this but…” and “I know you require 48 hours notice but…” and end with “Oh my gosh, you’re an angel” and “Thank you sososososo much. I swear this will never happen again”. This has even resulted in me buying Timbit bribes. I hope the people on the other side of this type of request realize I’m not completely disorganized/impertinent/out of touch with reality. Sometimes these are the result of poor planning and I can sigh and wish my coworker had just mentioned something earlier, but sometimes things really do come up last minute. I get that. That is necessary ass-ness.

But then there are people who constantly put you in awkward positions because they simply are not good co-workers. Most offices have a weak link (I bet you’re thinking of one right now). If you are scheduled to meet with someone and they show up and you are nowhere to be found AND totally unreachable…we have a problem. Oh, actually, I guess just I have a problem. Because I’m the ass who has to face the person. If our manager wants the team to have something ready and we delegate it to you because everyone else has 5 million other things to do and you just don’t do it…we all get blamed. Hey, I somehow effed up at a conference when I wasn’t even the same province as the event!! It’s part of being a team. Your successes and failures are shared. But somehow the admin gets to be the poster child for the flubs, not the achievements.

I’m very lucky to have a fantastic boss who appreciates me. I can’t imagine how much worse it is for the admins who don’t have that respect. Solidarity my friends!

Is Rihanna Channeling Taylor Momsen?

~~ Headline from People.com - Style News

And is Taylor Momsen channeling Satan?!

.
WTF???
In the skewed line of People.com ...here's some other blondes Rihanna may be "channelling"

  

"All Aboard!! Hahahahah!"

~~ Opening line to Crazy Train by Iron Maiden

Our readership is growing -- to a staggering 3 people!  Possibly 4.  With the promise of more readers!
Could it be that people really want to read what we have to say?  Could it be we're that in touch and relevant? Could it be our biting satire and rapier wit are comic genius?
Or more likely we have great friends who don't know how to let us down easy and decline our invitation to read so they just go with it! :P

To welcome my latest invite I've decided to take a trip down hilarious, ghetto, memory lane.  Someone we both know and love is 5 months old...so run and tell that homeboy!

This never gets old! :P



"Can't-Stand-Ya"

~~ From the Seinfeld Episode - The Library (George's gym teacher mis-pronouncing Costanza)

GAH!!!!  Ready to tear my hair out here people!!!!  Officemate is actively SLURPING her lunch!  That's like the world's most annoying and cringe worthy sounds!
In fact ...here's a list of what gets my goat:

1. Aforementioned slurping!!! CAN'T STAND IT
2. Knuckle cracking -- weird since I used to do it
3. Nails on a chalkboard
4. Loud swallowing
5. Open mouth gum chewing - especially when its accompanied by the smell of said gum
6. Stupid comments -- for reference, please see previous posts of Shiz My Officemate Says.

Must crank volume to MAXIMUM on iPhone. 

"You and I are such similar creatures Vivian, we both screw people for money"

~~ Richard Gere as Edward Lewis in Pretty Woman

And now gentle readers...another installment of

Shiz my (eligible for  early retirement) officemate says!

“I’m wearing my hoochie boots.  Well that’s what my sister calls them.  I don’t hooch around much”

And the world breathes a collect sigh of relief….

"Riddle me this!"

~~ Jim Carey as the Joker in Batman Forever

How can two people who appeared to be so much in love have differences they cannot reconcile??

It’s the end of an era people. After almost 7 years of marriage and 4 children (one from Heidi’s previous relationship) Heidi and Seal are separating!!

They had three gorgeous kids together. He seemed to have bonded with Heidi’s daughter. The amazing coordinating costumes every Hallowe’en. The yearly vow renewal ceremonies.  The red carpet appearances where they seemed so much in love.  Remember the Grammies last year when Seal was going on and on about Heidi’s gold dress and her matching gold toe nail polish.  Talking about a long lasting relationship and a happy marriage with Ryan Seacrest.  It’s just all so weird – so Hollyweird! 

I’ve got two questions to ask:

1.  Why do celebrities bother to get married.  It seems like they never last.

And I’ll let the Black Eyed Peas ask my second question of Heidi and Seal…..

"STOP TALKING!!! IT'S MY TURN NOW!"

~~ Batman from the The Dark Knight How it Should Have Ended clip (http://www.howitshouldhaveended.com/)



Don't know why but somehow this fits my day today.  I've totally phoned it in.  I do not feel like working so I'm not going to.  Nevermind the crazy project I have to get done by next Wednesday.

On another note I've decided to modify a feature on this site.  From the people that brought you WTFrock it's ...

WTFriday!!!

Observed with my own two eyes this morning...

1. Man walking his mini-Schnauzer in jogging shorts.  BARE LEGS PEOPLE!!!  It was minus 11, I think minus 17 with the windchill!!!!
2. Lady on crowded bus with her bag on the seat.  She has one of those leather, orange, Puma gym bags.  I guess she was too busy styling and profiling to realize she still had the $69.99 price tag on it for all to see.  It was so obvious I thought she left it there on purpose like those people who leave the genuine/authentic hologram stickers and tags on their baseball caps!  Apparently it wasn't, because in her haste to rip off the tag at the subway station she left the plastic loop on the seat and dropped her gloves.  I picked them up and gave them to her.
3. Grown ass woman on train wearing a teddy bear neckwarmer/scarf.  It was a horrible, dollar store blue, and really raggedy.  The head and arms wrapped around the neck and clung to the legs with velco.  Ridonculous!
4. Woman with winter coat -- wearing a cape over her winter coat.  It's not really a look...just buy a warmer coat!!!  Same woman was fully aware that her swinging bag was hitting my knee but took her sweet time doing something about it.  Finally, his same moron almost fell on me three times from the jerking motion of the bus...because she refused to touch the pole.  She finally put one glove on. We were one stop away from the subway -- she'd been on for about 4 stops before she decided to bite the bullet and put her glove on.  Jerk!
5. Bike courier in short shorts and bare legs!!!?? WTFriday is going on??  Crazy dark glasses.  Knee pads.  Jacket.  His cap squishing his fro into a Krusty the Clown do!!!  Bizarre!
6. WTF??  My desk is obviously being worked on…my computer is on and screens are lit and unlocked.

   Officemate is working with someone and she allowed this person to take my chair??!!  There’s a spare in the office.  She couldn’t even say that I’m coming back??!!!!

   
   WTF??!!  It’s so painfully obvious someone is working at the desk …who does that???

Are you crazy? Don't you understand what I'm saying to you? This is not just an odour-- you need a *priest* to get rid of this thing

~~ Jerry in Seinfeld

Back story: If you know me...you know I'm a sucker for a fart joke.  Yes...I know -- banal toilet humour --it's my Achilles heel.  I will, without fail, dissolve into histerics and weep at a good one.  Which is why this has to be, by far, my favourite episode of Seinfeld. 
We all say the same thing...Seinfeld is so funny, cuz it's so TRUE!  Who couldn't put themselves in any one of their insane situations.  Case in point -- about 6 or 7 years ago I had my own battle with sentient, overwhelming B.O. eminating from my co-worker.  It would linger.  I became paranoid that it would cling to me.  There were no windows in the immediate area so I would hide sachets of pot pourri everywhere and air wick air fresheners.
I had a huge bowl of cinnamon scented pot pourri in between our cubes once and dismissed it as "holiday decoration."  Everyone in the office would complain to me!  And it was a rather sudden occurrance too.  He didn't always smell.  I couldn't take it and one day talked to my manager and asked if he would find a time to approach my coworker and discuss it.  One day turned out to be a mere 5 minutes after I met with him.  Asshat! Like my coworker didn't know it was me who complained.  Anywho, he never said anything to me and one weekend later the stench was gone.

Why bring this up now?  Well turns out I have a present day variation on a theme.  A little piece I'd like to bring to the blog that I call...

Shiz my Officemate says!

Yesterday:  "In case you're cold I had the window open this morning.  I farted and it was so stinky I had to open the window.  It just kind of squeeked out you know.  I was hoping you wouldn't come in soon cuz I had to open the window wide and do this (arms flailing "blowing" the smell out).  It was really bad!"

*sigh*  I thanked her for telling me and for her effort in trying to alleviate the problem. Then I left the office.
Thank goodness I was an hour late for work. I dont' want to think about what would have happened had I been here.

Fast forward to this morning. 
Got into the office. 
Window was open.

Oh boy....1st blog of the New Year.  It's 9 days in faithful reader.  And if Buffy's previous post is any indication Hollyweird has not wasted a single moment letting the bad fashion cat out of the bag.
I've been surfing the web through a Neo Citronic haze...so perhaps my senses have been dulled and the following isn't as bad as I think?  Maybe I'll give her the benefit of the doubt?  Oh who am I kidding?! I'm sick ...not DEAD!  And this is terrible.  No shape! No flare! No hairspray!

And you know the perp behind this design don't you??!! That's right!  STELLA MCCARTNEY!
I officially have a hate on for Stella McCartney -- at least until her design sensibilities change.  Ugh! What the frock!!!???

Moving on....

Gold foil effect suit? Check.  Giant sunglasses at night? Check.  Crazy gold hair accessory surrounding crazy blonde wig? Check.  Red claws for fingernails? Check. 
Yup...it's Lady Gaga.  Now what's the other lady's excuse????



Also this New Year's...
 Apparently the ball dropped onto Fergie, it fit and she just went with it.

  Apparently Kim woke up and realized she's a talentless hack, who loves attention more than air and just went with it.

 I am so distracted by the trainwreck in the background I can't even disparage Rhianna.  Talk about product placement!  Hat's off Rhianna.  You win this round half naked leopard lady.

 Okay..a bandage dress that looks like a real Tensor bandage!  Complete with those metal clips to hold it together.  Oh Mary J.  If I keep shaking my head at your horrible fashion sense it's going to fall off.  Stop it!

"2012 (MMXII) is a leap year that started on a Sunday in the Gregorian calendar, and it is the current year. It is the 2012th year of the Common Era"

~ Wikipedia, "2012"

It's 2012 b*@!%es!! Re-acclimating after the holidays has been a challenge, especially when I have to do it alone. Mrs. Hemsworth, we need to stick together at times like this! We'll have to plan better for next year.

So much fodder, so little time. It's tough to get any blogging done when you have to work your (other) day job. Here's a little taste of what mine eyes hath seen in the past 3 days....

Rooney Mara in a Pretty Party Dress??

What happened here? I'm not crazy about the side panels that appear to be either a different colour or just a different shade of black, but....pretty party dress! And it's a whole dress. Not a cut-out for miles. I haven't seen the back but I am going to play the naive card here and envision a consistency with the front.

Love the beauty look, too: great lip colour, digging the hair (side note: I totally have girls-with-straight-hair-who-can-rock-bangs envy).

I don't like the shoes (I'm sure you saw that one coming) - it fascinates me that such a stringy, naked shoe could make a woman's feet look so clunky, but there it is.

Another side note: I saw Girl with the Dragon Tattoo over the holidays and I loved it. Very true to the book and much better than the Swedish film in my opinion.

But....pretty party dress!






Oh wait, yeah, here it is.... the world is back to normal:





























2012: Ringing in the Crazy

A sampling of New Year's getups. I particularly like how Paris is trying to put herself on par with Duchess Catherine by wearing stockings instead of bare legs. Real subtle, Paris. Apparently Mariah spent her evening in a bowling alley sometime in the 80s.

2012: Continuing the Crazy

If there's one celebrity we can rely on to bring the crazy, it's Julianne Moore. Early in 2012, she does not disappoint.

I don't know about Olivia Wilde. She is a little all over the map for me. I really don't get this:

Aviator meets granny meets diner waitress, all in a 70s wash. BLAAAAAAAA

My 2012 Meme Prediction

My prediction is that the next trending meme for 2012 will be a follow-up to sad Keanu: sad Russell.

Conspiracy 2012

So I'm not big into conspiracy theories, and I'm not sure what on earth the reasoning behind this conspiracy would be, but I am fully convinced that Zooey Deschanel and Katy Perry are the same person. My newest bit of proof? They are now both getting divorced, announcing within 2 weeks of each other. Coincidence? Heh. I don't think so!

In another weird and totally unrelated conspiracy.... We got to talking about former Mayor Mel Lastman a couple days ago (read: I would rather have ANYONE in the mayorship right now other than Rob Ford) and his scandalous affair complete with illegitimate offspring. We set out to find photos of his sons (now middle-aged of course) but could find none, even though the story was a big one, even featuring in the New York Times. The one article that clearly contained photos - the photos were gone, only the captions remaining. What is going on??? More research to be done...

Positive Vibes for 2012...

Sigh. Just breathe it in....... Happy New Year!

Peggy: Did you miss me? Al: With every bullet so far

~~ Married with Children

More vexation from the officemate this morning...

So far I've been illicited to eat homemade baked goods from a random friend -- if I'm going to eat anything that I didn't personally have a hand in making or witness being made it better be from a trustworthy source or covered in mountains of icing.  These are neither.

We've discussed the weather.  Rather she commented on "all that snow" (see pic of avalance from yesterday's post) and I grunted.

Then...my peronal favourite...As I sit there deep in thought about what to blog about...she appears in my peripheral vision and says:  "Mrs. Hemsworth....Beetlegeuse!"
No lead in...nothing...just my name and Beetlegeuse. 
My response: "Uh huh" with a WTF look on my face. 
"I just heard that song Jump in the Line and all I can think of is the movie."

Funny....you just talked to me and all I can think of is different ways to diplomatically tell you to SHUT UP and LEAVE ME ALONE!!! 
I need a drink!

"Holy rusted metal Batman!" "What?" "This metal, it's rusted and full of holes"

~ Exchange between Batman and Robin in Batman Forever

I'd like to add a new feature to this blog. Buffy I hope you approve. 

Not sure what to call it yet:  Catch that Caption or What that WHAT? or Fill in the Blank...we'll see.
The idea is to find a photo and then either describe the situation as you see it or add a caption that pretty much sums up what you're seeing...or both!  Maybe with voice bubbles??!! :) 

I'VE GOT IT!!!  The Director's Cut!  You set the scene and provide the dialogue for the perfect pic!  (Kind of like a mime...now that I know what that is...Thanks Buffy!)

Here's my first offering...(Of course its the Kardashian's...they make it so damn easy)

The scene...
K-mas at the Kardashian household.  We'll get Kim...recovering from heartache showing some humanity with friends Maria Menounos and family Mason Discik.  Throw in some cuddly puppies and watch the magic happen.


Maria -- I'm trying really hard here not to flash the photographer.  So this beeyotch Kim better perfect her pucker quick or I'm outta here

Mason -- Smells like money. 

Kim -- Maybe I'll stick to puppy love instead of man love. You won't break my hearts will you Louis and Vuitton.  And by constantly referring to you in the next 3-6 months is sure to garner me a new endorsement deal...or at least a free set of luggage.  Way to sell out Kendall and Kylie.  You're making mom proud.

The scene...
Blake Lively attempts to curry favour with Ryan Reynolds by walking his dog.  Notice the awkward wary look on her face. And...ACTION!

Blake: The things I'll do for publicity.  Nice doggy. Where the hell is the grunt carrying my purse?
Baxter:  Yeah...you best keep one eye on me!  The instant you turn your back your slippers become my personal toilet.  How dare you come between Mrs. Hemsworth and her man!  I mean ME...ME and my man.