"Can't-Stand-Ya"

~~ From the Seinfeld Episode - The Library (George's gym teacher mis-pronouncing Costanza)

GAH!!!!  Ready to tear my hair out here people!!!!  Officemate is actively SLURPING her lunch!  That's like the world's most annoying and cringe worthy sounds!
In fact ...here's a list of what gets my goat:

1. Aforementioned slurping!!! CAN'T STAND IT
2. Knuckle cracking -- weird since I used to do it
3. Nails on a chalkboard
4. Loud swallowing
5. Open mouth gum chewing - especially when its accompanied by the smell of said gum
6. Stupid comments -- for reference, please see previous posts of Shiz My Officemate Says.

Must crank volume to MAXIMUM on iPhone. 

"You and I are such similar creatures Vivian, we both screw people for money"

~~ Richard Gere as Edward Lewis in Pretty Woman

And now gentle readers...another installment of

Shiz my (eligible for  early retirement) officemate says!

“I’m wearing my hoochie boots.  Well that’s what my sister calls them.  I don’t hooch around much”

And the world breathes a collect sigh of relief….

"Riddle me this!"

~~ Jim Carey as the Joker in Batman Forever

How can two people who appeared to be so much in love have differences they cannot reconcile??

It’s the end of an era people. After almost 7 years of marriage and 4 children (one from Heidi’s previous relationship) Heidi and Seal are separating!!

They had three gorgeous kids together. He seemed to have bonded with Heidi’s daughter. The amazing coordinating costumes every Hallowe’en. The yearly vow renewal ceremonies.  The red carpet appearances where they seemed so much in love.  Remember the Grammies last year when Seal was going on and on about Heidi’s gold dress and her matching gold toe nail polish.  Talking about a long lasting relationship and a happy marriage with Ryan Seacrest.  It’s just all so weird – so Hollyweird! 

I’ve got two questions to ask:

1.  Why do celebrities bother to get married.  It seems like they never last.

And I’ll let the Black Eyed Peas ask my second question of Heidi and Seal…..

"STOP TALKING!!! IT'S MY TURN NOW!"

~~ Batman from the The Dark Knight How it Should Have Ended clip (http://www.howitshouldhaveended.com/)



Don't know why but somehow this fits my day today.  I've totally phoned it in.  I do not feel like working so I'm not going to.  Nevermind the crazy project I have to get done by next Wednesday.

On another note I've decided to modify a feature on this site.  From the people that brought you WTFrock it's ...

WTFriday!!!

Observed with my own two eyes this morning...

1. Man walking his mini-Schnauzer in jogging shorts.  BARE LEGS PEOPLE!!!  It was minus 11, I think minus 17 with the windchill!!!!
2. Lady on crowded bus with her bag on the seat.  She has one of those leather, orange, Puma gym bags.  I guess she was too busy styling and profiling to realize she still had the $69.99 price tag on it for all to see.  It was so obvious I thought she left it there on purpose like those people who leave the genuine/authentic hologram stickers and tags on their baseball caps!  Apparently it wasn't, because in her haste to rip off the tag at the subway station she left the plastic loop on the seat and dropped her gloves.  I picked them up and gave them to her.
3. Grown ass woman on train wearing a teddy bear neckwarmer/scarf.  It was a horrible, dollar store blue, and really raggedy.  The head and arms wrapped around the neck and clung to the legs with velco.  Ridonculous!
4. Woman with winter coat -- wearing a cape over her winter coat.  It's not really a look...just buy a warmer coat!!!  Same woman was fully aware that her swinging bag was hitting my knee but took her sweet time doing something about it.  Finally, his same moron almost fell on me three times from the jerking motion of the bus...because she refused to touch the pole.  She finally put one glove on. We were one stop away from the subway -- she'd been on for about 4 stops before she decided to bite the bullet and put her glove on.  Jerk!
5. Bike courier in short shorts and bare legs!!!?? WTFriday is going on??  Crazy dark glasses.  Knee pads.  Jacket.  His cap squishing his fro into a Krusty the Clown do!!!  Bizarre!
6. WTF??  My desk is obviously being worked on…my computer is on and screens are lit and unlocked.

   Officemate is working with someone and she allowed this person to take my chair??!!  There’s a spare in the office.  She couldn’t even say that I’m coming back??!!!!

   
   WTF??!!  It’s so painfully obvious someone is working at the desk …who does that???

Are you crazy? Don't you understand what I'm saying to you? This is not just an odour-- you need a *priest* to get rid of this thing

~~ Jerry in Seinfeld

Back story: If you know me...you know I'm a sucker for a fart joke.  Yes...I know -- banal toilet humour --it's my Achilles heel.  I will, without fail, dissolve into histerics and weep at a good one.  Which is why this has to be, by far, my favourite episode of Seinfeld. 
We all say the same thing...Seinfeld is so funny, cuz it's so TRUE!  Who couldn't put themselves in any one of their insane situations.  Case in point -- about 6 or 7 years ago I had my own battle with sentient, overwhelming B.O. eminating from my co-worker.  It would linger.  I became paranoid that it would cling to me.  There were no windows in the immediate area so I would hide sachets of pot pourri everywhere and air wick air fresheners.
I had a huge bowl of cinnamon scented pot pourri in between our cubes once and dismissed it as "holiday decoration."  Everyone in the office would complain to me!  And it was a rather sudden occurrance too.  He didn't always smell.  I couldn't take it and one day talked to my manager and asked if he would find a time to approach my coworker and discuss it.  One day turned out to be a mere 5 minutes after I met with him.  Asshat! Like my coworker didn't know it was me who complained.  Anywho, he never said anything to me and one weekend later the stench was gone.

Why bring this up now?  Well turns out I have a present day variation on a theme.  A little piece I'd like to bring to the blog that I call...

Shiz my Officemate says!

Yesterday:  "In case you're cold I had the window open this morning.  I farted and it was so stinky I had to open the window.  It just kind of squeeked out you know.  I was hoping you wouldn't come in soon cuz I had to open the window wide and do this (arms flailing "blowing" the smell out).  It was really bad!"

*sigh*  I thanked her for telling me and for her effort in trying to alleviate the problem. Then I left the office.
Thank goodness I was an hour late for work. I dont' want to think about what would have happened had I been here.

Fast forward to this morning. 
Got into the office. 
Window was open.

Oh boy....1st blog of the New Year.  It's 9 days in faithful reader.  And if Buffy's previous post is any indication Hollyweird has not wasted a single moment letting the bad fashion cat out of the bag.
I've been surfing the web through a Neo Citronic haze...so perhaps my senses have been dulled and the following isn't as bad as I think?  Maybe I'll give her the benefit of the doubt?  Oh who am I kidding?! I'm sick ...not DEAD!  And this is terrible.  No shape! No flare! No hairspray!

And you know the perp behind this design don't you??!! That's right!  STELLA MCCARTNEY!
I officially have a hate on for Stella McCartney -- at least until her design sensibilities change.  Ugh! What the frock!!!???

Moving on....

Gold foil effect suit? Check.  Giant sunglasses at night? Check.  Crazy gold hair accessory surrounding crazy blonde wig? Check.  Red claws for fingernails? Check. 
Yup...it's Lady Gaga.  Now what's the other lady's excuse????



Also this New Year's...
 Apparently the ball dropped onto Fergie, it fit and she just went with it.

  Apparently Kim woke up and realized she's a talentless hack, who loves attention more than air and just went with it.

 I am so distracted by the trainwreck in the background I can't even disparage Rhianna.  Talk about product placement!  Hat's off Rhianna.  You win this round half naked leopard lady.

 Okay..a bandage dress that looks like a real Tensor bandage!  Complete with those metal clips to hold it together.  Oh Mary J.  If I keep shaking my head at your horrible fashion sense it's going to fall off.  Stop it!

"2012 (MMXII) is a leap year that started on a Sunday in the Gregorian calendar, and it is the current year. It is the 2012th year of the Common Era"

~ Wikipedia, "2012"

It's 2012 b*@!%es!! Re-acclimating after the holidays has been a challenge, especially when I have to do it alone. Mrs. Hemsworth, we need to stick together at times like this! We'll have to plan better for next year.

So much fodder, so little time. It's tough to get any blogging done when you have to work your (other) day job. Here's a little taste of what mine eyes hath seen in the past 3 days....

Rooney Mara in a Pretty Party Dress??

What happened here? I'm not crazy about the side panels that appear to be either a different colour or just a different shade of black, but....pretty party dress! And it's a whole dress. Not a cut-out for miles. I haven't seen the back but I am going to play the naive card here and envision a consistency with the front.

Love the beauty look, too: great lip colour, digging the hair (side note: I totally have girls-with-straight-hair-who-can-rock-bangs envy).

I don't like the shoes (I'm sure you saw that one coming) - it fascinates me that such a stringy, naked shoe could make a woman's feet look so clunky, but there it is.

Another side note: I saw Girl with the Dragon Tattoo over the holidays and I loved it. Very true to the book and much better than the Swedish film in my opinion.

But....pretty party dress!






Oh wait, yeah, here it is.... the world is back to normal:





























2012: Ringing in the Crazy

A sampling of New Year's getups. I particularly like how Paris is trying to put herself on par with Duchess Catherine by wearing stockings instead of bare legs. Real subtle, Paris. Apparently Mariah spent her evening in a bowling alley sometime in the 80s.

2012: Continuing the Crazy

If there's one celebrity we can rely on to bring the crazy, it's Julianne Moore. Early in 2012, she does not disappoint.

I don't know about Olivia Wilde. She is a little all over the map for me. I really don't get this:

Aviator meets granny meets diner waitress, all in a 70s wash. BLAAAAAAAA

My 2012 Meme Prediction

My prediction is that the next trending meme for 2012 will be a follow-up to sad Keanu: sad Russell.

Conspiracy 2012

So I'm not big into conspiracy theories, and I'm not sure what on earth the reasoning behind this conspiracy would be, but I am fully convinced that Zooey Deschanel and Katy Perry are the same person. My newest bit of proof? They are now both getting divorced, announcing within 2 weeks of each other. Coincidence? Heh. I don't think so!

In another weird and totally unrelated conspiracy.... We got to talking about former Mayor Mel Lastman a couple days ago (read: I would rather have ANYONE in the mayorship right now other than Rob Ford) and his scandalous affair complete with illegitimate offspring. We set out to find photos of his sons (now middle-aged of course) but could find none, even though the story was a big one, even featuring in the New York Times. The one article that clearly contained photos - the photos were gone, only the captions remaining. What is going on??? More research to be done...

Positive Vibes for 2012...

Sigh. Just breathe it in....... Happy New Year!